(Source: dropdeadrawrgeous, via fullydomesticated)

i can’t remember the last time i signed in and actually wrote something worth reading. not that i am here to write for anyone to read but for myself. personally, that’s what these kind of blogs are all about; an online journal.

the midwife studies are still happening. i’ve been at it since february 2012 and have managed to complete one module set. to date i have 2 more assignments on another module and 7 more on the A&P, which i might add has not been easy! at this point i’m ready to complete the basics and move on to more midwife focused learning.

and then there is the big “oops!” that surprised us sometime in mid-july. so it’s another save-the-date sometime in march or april. as you might be wondering this wasn’t exactly in the plan. it’s taken some getting use to, this idea of another being growing inside me. honestly, despite the difficult past year of PPD, i am truly excited.

we’ve also found a new church family that we both feel comfortable in. and for the first time in years i feel i can follow the message. this has truly been an answer to prayer.

i’m also moving on in life. moving on in friendships, in commitments, and even in priorities. people and things and even ideals that seem so important just a little while ago, i am realizing are just not playing the positive role in need in my life. maybe i’m becoming too focused on myself, but this is how it shall be. i feel a deep to need to take the time to slow down and be with my God, the children, close friends, and of course my husband. i guess with a third on the way i’m also feeling a bit overwhelmed. soon i’ll be at home with three under three and then what?!

and so i’m moving on. i’m weeding out those friendships that are just too much of a one-way deal. i can only give so much of myself at the moment. and some friends are just too busy and even too far away to keep in touch with. and there is no blame here either, for i so often find it nearly impossible to keep up with the emails, facebook posts, phone calls, and play dates.

my new path just may end up turning to be a lonely one and i may regret letting go of some friends, but the way i see it is if they aren’t able to make an effort to keep in touch, then why should it all fall on me?

in the meantime i’m still finding ways to meet new friends. the moms group at the church is simply a blessing. i love the women there and look forward to getting to know them as our children grow up together in the church. i’ve also meet a few moms through the homebirth circle; moms who share similar interests in birth, lifestyle, and homeschooling.

and finally i think i’m moving on from the days of the cult. the nightmares are still there but not nearly as frequent. the memories also haven’t left but they are no longer as dominant in my everyday life. God, i know, is forever faithful and persistent in His healing. i believe He heals us gently and slowly, as this enables us to see ourselves in His eyes. there are many days i feel lost and sense the deep darkness that longs to take my life, but even through all that my heart knows He is able. He is more than able