my husband and i are at a critical crossroad. we have been searching for a new church family. nothing wrong with our last church. the problem, as it almost always is, was me. of course, it has everything to do with a former life.

i had been trying since we got married to feel comfortable in the same church where a former “boyfriend’s” family is deeply involved. this trouble soul has left his mark on me more than i care to elaborate. let’s just say some things are too horrible for words.

i never felt comfortable and so here we are without a church family. to be honest it’s rather liberating. at least for me. we can walk into a church, listen, sing, say our prayers and walk out with no commitment to anyone or anything.

but this isn’t the christian life. we are at a lost. my husband is grieving the loss of the familiar while i’m struggling to forget a dark and shameful past.

just so you know, finding a new church family is so incredibly difficult. who can you trust? no one but God. do we not go to a church because it’s too small or the pastor’s voice is annoying? at what point do we make that commitment?

maybe i have been too ruined to find solace in a church. even so, this isn’t about me, it’s about my family, my children. it’s about surrounding them with strong, loving, and Christ-centered individuals so they are equipped to face the crazy, dark world.

it occurred to me in a random moment that i was happy. or better yet, am happy. when did it come? how? and where? i have no idea. it was as though i woke up from an endless struggle to “be” happy in my forever depressed state to find that the happiness had stayed. it moved from dream to reality, from immense mental effort to sudden easiness.

i feel so light. i feel like i can feel too. maybe the cocktail of drugs are finally working and all the therapy is actually making a difference.

whatever it is, i thank God for this an incredible feeling. 

all this time i have felt dead. dead to myself, to the world, and mostly to God. why must i suffer such hopelessness when i know in my core there is hope?

and now what? will i wake up tomorrow or in a couple days or weeks and find my old friend, darkness, back to haunt me again?

i pray not. if so, i pray for the strength and wisdom to move on. and on. God came to save, this i know. He will not leave me, this is His promise.

in the meantime i am cherishing being simply happy.